A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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