My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
