One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
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How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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