And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
