you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
