Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
