she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
