We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
