The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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