in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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