I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
