WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
