he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
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New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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