She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
