the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
