The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mom said you looked used
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
