Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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