so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
