The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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