I heard we made out
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
