Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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