Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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