I got chris browned last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
