How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
