I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
