I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
