every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
