Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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