Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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