I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
