Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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