6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
