Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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