The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
