There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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