How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom