bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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