Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
