I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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