Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
