I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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