my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
