My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My balls are so social today.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
A+ Viking dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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