You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
