By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
