The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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