proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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