there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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