i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
