God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
