this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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