I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
