You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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