I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
