we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
